I can’t say I’ve been getting out and about too much, as most days I’m stuck at home, far from “town”, and without access to a vehicle. But when I first got home, I went out to work with my Dad; a couple weeks ago, I made my way to Victoria; and this week, my Dad’s been away, so I’ve had the truck! Which means freedom.
So here are a few pictures of when I checked out my Dad’s “office” in Port Alberni.
And here’s some from when my lovely and amazing friend Steph and I went down Dallas Rd. and I remembered just how much I love a) the Pacific Ocean/West Coast and b) Victoria.
And finally, here are some shots from the Roger’s Creek Trail, which I’ve been able to check out for the first time, catching a few nice days this week and getting out for some fresh air!
Now, aside from these lovely West Coast pictures, I’ve done pretty poorly at posting anything since I’ve been home. Mostly just Ebola
outrages updates because, honestly, my own life right now is pretty slow. I’m still looking for work, and starting to hit that wall you hear about where a prolonged job search turns into depression. And let me tell you, it does.
Not to mention all the personal walls I keep hitting; more questions about motives, roles, purpose, ethics… you know, just the meaning of life.
Each day, when I listen to the news, there’s something that makes me cringe. It’s the way someone casually generalizes about Muslims or Africa, or undermines the work being done to stop the spread of Ebola, by spreading fictitious rumours about the threat to the Western world, or cries about the loss of Rob Ford as Mayor of Toronto. The way we glorify the “heroes” lost from the Canadian forces, when we’re currently bombing the fuck outta innocent civilians every day. Pardon my French.
I basically always feel like an outsider. Like all these media sources are saying the same thing, and I’m the only one thinking something different.*
*Obviously an exaggeration.
Sometimes I feel like I should listen to that reasonable logic that tells me, “Stay home. Make change in your own backyard.” But, when I look at the changes that are being made here, such as with the ever-increasing rise of feminism (which really should be a positive thing, right?) all I can think of is, “If only they knew what women go through in other parts of the world.”
I am constantly faced with this awareness of the fact that suffering is relative, and that where I live in the world, the bar is higher. And instead of fighting to continue to raise it, I feel this uncomfortable feeling of wondering why we can’t all just get some more realistic perspective here, and do something about bringing up the rear. That goes for women’s rights, children’s rights, human rights.
And I don’t know how to deal with that.
Plus, then I’ve got to see all these people who spend their entire lives working towards this goal of just having more stuff. As if more stuff will make them happy. Who needs a boat? A second, third, vehicle? What happened to just making things work in the name of financial (and environmental) sensibility? But instead, everything needs to be so convenient. We can’t make due with one car, one television, one computer, because that’s requires flexibility and sacrifice. And then there’s this whole idea of “leisure”. Our lives here are so disconnected from the Earth and each other that we need all this filler to occupy the space where we have nothing to do. We don’t fulfill our primal urges to provide for and protect our families, so we satisfy that by all these recreational activities that trick our bodies and our minds into thinking they’ve done something productive.
God, I’m rambling. This is what it’s like inside my head these days.
At the end of the day, I guess I know that I need to work overseas. Because at least there life seems more reasonable to me. So I’m back to square one.
But I feel like I’ve got something holding me back. Aside from a simple lack of experience; it’s more like a lack of confidence. I’m putting myself out there, but perhaps less so than I should be to really get somewhere. I see people I know who are doing things they’re passionate about, pushing boundaries, making their own future, and I’m trying to do that, too. But I think I need to be more entrepreneurial about it if I’m going to get anywhere. And I’m not sure I have what it takes to do that.
I can hardly even define myself when “building my brand” (aka writing the bio section) on my fancy new Twitter account (a problem I’ve had for a really long time). I just can’t boil myself down to a mere 140 characters. Which means I don’t really know what exactly I’m all about. And that makes it really hard to sell myself to anyone… in other words, it’s really hard to get a job.
Maybe it’s because I am too modest; maybe I’m just hesitant to give myself credit for my qualities, skills, and experience. Or maybe it’s because I really don’t think I have them. And if it’s the latter, that’s not really a good sign.
Because what I’m trying to do is sell myself. Sell myself to get onto the career path I’ve always dreamed of, and am currently failing to get into.